It's been a hot minute and a good 7 years of my life since I last blogged! I am not at all where I thought I would be and for that I praise God. Only He knew how much the disappointments, pain and sorrows He has led me through would be a much needed blessing to fortify me and make me cling to and trust Him in new ways and even more. I could never before have comprehended the love of a God who loved me so much that He would let me suffer for the greater purpose of using those trials and challenges to both break and restore me and truly teach me to have and appreciate both joy and sorrow intermingled in this broken world.
Now that my FIFTH year of teaching here is done and I’ve had some time to recuperate I realize that for the past few months I’ve been feeling pretty “stuck“. I think it’s being in the same place for so long for the longest time ever. It started out “just for a year” then evolved into tentatively long-term. There's a restlessness inside of me. But its an unfamiliar one. I don't struggle with regret (although the past few years here have sometimes made me question my decisions!) but I'm not doing the former rallying myself to distraction by planning for what's next, which is REALLY hard to do in the present constantly-changing-ever-evolving times. I'm just here. I'm simply living. Day by day. It's strange and almost disconcerting.
I know some would say I should focus on being thankful (I used to be one of the some) and it's not that I’m not appreciative of God's many kindnesses. In fact I sense that this feeling of being stuck is an actual gift in and of itself. Indeed, I'm sure the Lord wants to work in this by meeting me right where I am. I sense the Lord stirring my heart, moving in it to teach me something and I don’t want to short circuit His process with busying myself and overthinking to where I drown out my feelings and His voice speaking to me through them. One of the most fruitful lessons from my time in Ky. was learning to just sit with discomfort and be okay not having answers or seeing the way forward. Not trying to use my thinking to bring myself up out of whatever is weighing on me because it’s there in that frustrated, uncomfortable helplessness that the Lord shows me my heart and what I can't see, articulate, or work out on my own. It's there that the Lord speaks and moves my heart with the depth and riches of the exact truths He wants me to not just know, but feel and experience from His hand and not my frantic clamoring or meager grasping at scraps of truth to console myself.
He's definitely growing me in my willingness to face and acknowledge that the past few months were rough and left me spent and I don't have to pretend I've remained above it all. I only ever want to go forward with what the Lord wants to teach me from it with my hand firmly in his and walking in step with Him and I can only do that when I'm real, honest and present with myself and Him. So, I’m sitting with this, listening, waiting, anticipating whatever it is He wants to lovingly, patiently, quietly show and teach me in His time, for my good and His glory.
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