Journaling

I LOVE to read.  I also really enjoy journaling or I used to.  It’s a shame it’s taken me so long to get back to blogging because its one of those things that I find cathartic and there has been SO much to write about!  Still, the Lord is teaching me that for so long I’ve felt my life was on hold until I returned overseas.  I overlooked what was before me thinking nothing noteworthy would or could happen until I had returned to the place I always felt I’d arrived.  However, nothing is guaranteed to me except my salvation, my glorification and the breath I currently inhale.  I think the reason I loved my life there was because it’s exactly what I was anticipating and I recall Skyping with my bestie shortly after arriving and saying “well, what now?  This is everything I’ve ever wanted.  This is what I’ve longed for.  Now what do I want?  What do I hope and dream for now?”.  I couldn’t imagine anything else and from that point on I gave myself over to fully immersing myself in the experience.  Soaking it all up and delighting in every moment.

I don’t recall any other time in my life where I was so satisfied and content but I look back now and realize it was because I was neither looking back reminiscing or lamenting nor was I craning my neck to see ahead.  I was embracing each and every moment as they were happening and I loved it!   I’ve spent way too much time ignoring and overlooking the moments that I’ve been given since then.  Indeed, I’m quite sure that’s why I ceased blogging shortly thereafter.  These have been the hardest seasons of grief and sorrow in my life and God has been patiently and kindly teaching and supporting me in learning to embrace the sorrows along with the joys and appreciate the ways they deepen and enrich my understanding of and love for Jesus as Emmanuel and God truly being with me.  That being said, I was bored or tired of what was, distracted by what I hope or imagined to be an imminent, but new return adventure, not realizing in those moments that adventure was actually afoot.  That’s presumptuous.  That.’s not even good stewardship!

Last week my west coast swing buddy, Keeks,  settled into her new place far, far from me, in that land I love, and for 5 years have been anticipating I would return to, she sent me a pic of a journal entry mentioning  me from 2 years ago when we’d just started to become friends.  I loved that she had record of such a pivotal point and intersection of our lives and she explained  that it was a short entry meant for 5 years.  I loved that idea, wished I had done that 5 years ago because what a ride it has been!  I have to hunt down old emails I sent to friends to jog my memory on all the trials, challenges, and victories I’ve experienced.  I told Keeks that I don’t want to put off embracing what God is giving me any longer and coincidentally devaluing those gifts and encouraging dissatisfaction in my heart.

I don’t want to wait any longer to practice this and have to look back 5 years from now wishing I’d documented another season of growth with the Lord or wishing I’d appreciated what  no longer is before me.  Perhaps the best thing I’ve learned through these plentiful years of grief, suffering and trial was that the Lord Himself was enough.  Simply knowing and being known by Him was satisfying no matter the situation I found myself in.  Knowing Jesus in the midst of every season and circumstance gives the kind of satisfaction my chasing after adventures just couldn’t replicate.  The kind of satisfaction where living a life and doing things I would have previously categorized as “dull”, “scary”, or “undesirable” is filled with deep, soul-quenching contentment in Jesus, His sure and steady presence and comforts.   I can’t quite and really don’t care to imagine or anticipate anything other than knowing even though it satisfies I can continue to experience it more frequently and deeply and only in Him.  Knowing Jesus and His satisfaction is unique and unmatched in simultaneously being “enough” and something I long to and can experience further.  As my mum would say, “it tastes like more”!

I’m now journaling in three ways (and hopefully occasionally,  but more frequently blogging).  I’m completing a prayer journal with devotional prompts, a daily gratitude journal and I’m so excited about this line a day 5 year journal Keeks gifted me as a surprise early birthday present with the accompanying note “I didn’t want you to wait either!😊”.  I LOVE and am so thankful for the gift of her sweet friendship and encouragement!🤗. And while I’m no longer anticipating the life I’d been pressing pause for, I don’t feel as if it’s a soul-crushing blow or deep loss.  It feels more like a heavy weight has been lifted off of me and I’m free to breathe more deeply and let out a satisfying “ahhhhh” as I exhale.  I’m truly looking forward to being more present, more in tune with what sparks joy right now, and enjoying the moments and experiences God gives me as they happen!