THANKFUL FOR CONFLICT

Yeah, you read that right. I was surprised too when I first thought it, but yes, I'm thankful for conflict.

A few days ago, I had the opportunity to mediate a relational conflict between students. So far this year I've been very intentional about teaching my students that we were created to be His image bearers and reflect His glory (like a mirror) but that our sin causes our reflection of Him to be skewed and incorrect (like the back of a mirror). At their developmental level I've also been teaching them to think of others when they wrong them (even if unintentionally), apologize and ask for forgiveness-this is my rule.

Anyway, after recess a student came up to me to say that 2 people had pushed her but the one had apologized and asked her to forgive but the other didn't. I told her to bring the child to me and in my presence tell her what she had done. The student after hearing all of this stood there unapologetically and unaffected. I then asked if she'd heard her friend and reminded her that even if she didn't mean to it would be kind to apologize and she could tell her that she didn't mean to and ask for forgiveness for hurting her. Well, this little one, who is NOT one of my lower English speakers, just leaned in the doorway and looked at me. I repeated what I had said and then asked if she wasn't going to say sorry and ask for forgiveness. She told me "no"!

If you know anything about me and little children you know that as far as I'm concerned I have an obey-first, ask-questions-later policy, a do-what-I-tell-you-because-I'm-the-authority-and-you're-to-submit-to-authority attitude, a don't-argue-with-me-I'm-an-adult mentality.......you get the point. So that "no" right there didn't sit too well with me. I sent the offended child to the bathroom with the other children and in my kindest manner (b/c I wasn't feeling very kind at this point) reminded the student that I have taught them what I expect them to do when they wrong someone and that right now if she doesn't do it she is disobeying. I reminded her that He would have us choose to obey and is happy when we obey. I then asked if she was going to choose to disobey or obey (with the appropriate frown or smile just in case somehow she didn't understand my words). She responded, "disobey"!

If I was a cartoon character, steam would have been shooting out of my ears! Some time earlier in the year, I'd acknowledged to myself that this little one is probably most like me in that we are both quite stubborn and have a spirit of rebellion that needs so often to be crushed. It's quite kind of the Father to give me someone just like me to shepherd. This defiance was too much for me. How DARE she tell me no! As if she had a choice- I was merely being polite! How DARE she choose to disobey me (and God)! I was HOT! In His kindness and grace alone I think I did a good job of not displaying my anger and pointed out that when we choose to disobey there are always consequences.

As we walked up to our room, I thought, "There is NO way that child could have understood me. WHO would choose to refuse to do something so simple as to apologize and seek forgiveness when they offended a FRIEND? No, clearly she didn't understand." I told her little friend when we were putting blankets out to go back to her and let her know that she pushed her and she didn't like it. I figured that maybe another appeal from her friend would soften her heart. I happened to observe the interaction and the student's response, which was to ignore her friend and slowly turn her back away while she was speaking! I was infuriated by her audacity. She is one of the same students who will hoot and holler if someone merely brushes past her, yet she would respond THIS way? "Well", I thought, "I'll fix HER!"

As students came to the carpet for read aloud before naptime I was annoyed to observe her running, smiling and laughing (shouldn't she be grieved for hurting her friend and trying to make things right?). I read the read aloud and dismissed everyone to their blankets. Then I asked the student to meet me outside the classroom. There I outlined the situation and her response. She stood blank-faced throughout my address. Then she tried to communicate something about her friend (either that she didn't push her or that she didn't mean to). I had already asked the other student who had pushed and she'd admitted that they had both pushed her while running and playing but that it was an accident. Since I wasn't there I had just those 2 students' accounts to go by. I explained that she could have without intending to or realizing it and pointed out various situations where the same thing had happened to her and what those students did when they'd done the same to her. I then pointed out that the little girl is her friend and that she should show love to her. I pointed out that in the Word we are asked to love others as we love ourselves and that if it were her, she'd want her friend to show her love by apologizing. I told her this was the last time I'd speak to her again and that if she did not obey and show love to her friend there would be consequences. At this point she started crying.

I was highly annoyed! Annoyed that she was crying when no one had done anything to her, in fact it was the other way around. Annoyed that this whole thing was taking up so much time. Annoyed that whatever the circumstance ( offense by accident or unaware) the situation could be so easily resolved but that she was being stubborn. Annoyed because I could see that it may very well be an issue of my will against hers. Annoyed because I wasn't sure if this was a hill to die on (If I didn't dole out consequences my student would see that I wasn't bringing justice as well as I was letting one person get away with not doing something I had taught them all to do, not because this was a special circumstance but because she refused. On the other hand, what if I was making too big a deal out of this? But that thought could also be countered with the student still refusing to obey and learning to obey IS a big deal to me). Hats off to parents who deal with these dilemmas ALL the time!

I looked at her wailing (for what I thought was no good reason). I was able to articulate calmly but sternly, "Yeah, we really don't have time for this. You're going to need to stop that. Nothing is wrong with you and the rest of my students are trying to nap. This is not acceptable." But on the inside, I was boiling up asking, "Why don't you just do what I told you? It'll be easier for all involved parties." And just like that my spirit was pricked. I thought, "Wait a minute, when do I always do what I'm told or asked? How many times do I struggle (as an adult) to do what's right? How many times have I done the wrong that I don't want to do and not done the good that I've intended to do? I can't ever do what I should or even to desire to do it on my own."

The Father brought to my thoughts that this would be a good opportunity to teach a child so like myself something that even as an adult I struggle with. Depending not on my own strength but on His. Realizing that doing what He has asked and given me to do is impossible on my own but that I need to ask Him to place in me the desire and help me accomplish those things in Him so that He will be glorified in what I do.

I sighed, bent over and looked in her eyes and calmly told her that I understood. That thinking of her friend and loving her by apologizing and asking forgiveness is not easy to do. That choosing obey is not easy to do. That she can't do and won't want to do it. I explained that the only way she can do the good things He asks is to ask Him to help her do it. I prayed with her that He would help her love her friend and obey and help her WANT to love her friend and obey. As I straightened up I prayed in my heart that He would soften her heart and cause her to love and obey and that if He wasn't pleased to do so that He would give me the wisdom and love I needed to respond appropriately.

I looked at her again and told her that she needs to love her friend, apologize and ask forgiveness and that she needs to obey me and do this right away. I told her that if she doesn't there will be consequences, she would be flipping a card because of disobedience AND I would contact her mother to let her know that she was choosing to disobey and not show love. Her little lower lip started quivering and she got those big crocodile tears. I asked, "So what's it going to be? Are you going to choose to obey or choose to disobey?"

"Obey," she responded. I have no way of knowing if she made that choice because she didn't like the sound of the consequences, if she was just tired of me hounding her or if she'd been pricked by what she had done. But I was relieved and thankful. I called her friend out and told her to do what she was supposed to. There were more tears and wailing before she apologized. Then more before she would ask for forgiveness. And the thing that blew me away was her little friend simply responded, "Okay, I forgive you." If it were me, I would have been a bit more resistant and hardened that it took her so long to come around. But I realized and was thankful in that instant that she was in effect demonstrating His love for us. I took the opportunity right then and there to pray with them both and thank Him for causing the one to choose to love and obey and the other for choosing to obey Him and love her friend by showing His love in forgiving.

By the time that had been done and I'd sent them back to their blankets I was tired......and sadly ticked off! I didn't want her to get off so easily after causing all that commotion and grief. I wanted her to feel my wrath! As I walked across to my desk I was convicted. Here I'd just had an example of the Father's love and forgiveness as well as His mercy. I too was an enemy who was befriended while I was in that state. On our own we freely frolic in our sin and think nothing of ruling our own selves instead of rightfully submitting to Him. I have wronged Him more than any wrong anyone on this earth could do to another, more than what this little girl had done to her friend or me. In fact, ultimately, the wrong was to Him, this was just indicative of the offensive spirit she possesses to Him. After the abundant and rich mercy I've received from Him how DARE I refuse to be merciful or have a grudging attitude to someone else?! How dare I choose not to model His love and word to those whom He's entrusted to me to shepherd?

Whilst my students napped, I had time to talk to my Father, seek His forgiveness, ask Him to help me have a loving attitude to them and choose to obey Him in all things He asks of me. As I looked back on what I had just witnessed, I was thankful for conflicts and the way He uses them to cause us to be humble, to examine our hearts and attitudes, to practice showing love by not merely looking out for our own selves but the good of others, and in asking for forgiveness and forgiving others. I was thankful for the opportunity conflict gives us to reflect on the One whom we have most offended and the love and mercy we've been shown from Him. I was thankful for the way that I was reminded through conflict that we're utterly unable to serve and obey Him apart from His grace that causes our hearts to choose His way of loving others and love Him through obedience.