Feelings

How does that word make you feel?  Are you a passionate person?  Do you love your feelings?  Do you like the highs and lows you experience?  The laughter?  The crying?  The joy?  The sorrow?  Or like the song do you find yourself trying to forget your feelings, be they of love, anger, confusion or anything else?

Its become apparent to me over the past few years that I feel strongly, deeply and intensely.  I can be pretty all or nothing in terms of my opinions but when I feel, I feel.  I used to be quite frustrated with the passion and intensity I feel (negative) things and even what they're about.  I often wished I could find a button and just turn those annoying, loud feelings that shout at me off!  Sometime in the past 5 years my Father has been helping me understand that the things about me that I don't necessarily appreciate, the sins I struggle with, aspects of my personality, even my physical makeup are the things that He in His sovereignty allows because in His grace and kindness.  There's been this dawning realization that although in response to being down cast and filled with turmoil I am to hope in God and that although I'm called to fight temptation and the desires of the flesh and put my sin to death, that although my Father hates sin, He uses it to bring praise to His Son.

This semester I was reading a book (Counsel from the Cross) for a class and was so uplifted and encouraged to read that in regards to sin "He uses it for His glory, as He uses everything else (Rom 11:36).....God is sovereign even over sin."   The message of the Gospel makes it clear that "we are loved and welcomed without any merit on our part, so we can love and welcome others whose merits we can't see.  We can remember the circumstances under which we have been forgiven and forgive in the same way.

In the past few years (maybe it was my time in Central Asia, maybe it was God's timing and process of maturing me), I've learned to be thankful for the struggles I have because I know He is sovereign over them and what He teaches me through them particularly in making me aware of my constant need for His Son, His forgiveness and His mercy alone which can transform me.

Earlier this semester I was at a women's retreat and the main topic was about a woman and her feelings.  I'm really thankful for my time there and for Noel Piper's talks on this subject.  It was so good to go to the Word and be encouraged that feelings don't just happen.  Even though for believers Scripture should primarily affect our emotional responses they are nonetheless, also affected by our personalities.  Though we are regenerated our fundamental personality still affects our emotions.  What sweet truths and reminders the Father sent my way at the beginning of my time here, knowing that this would be something I struggle with.

Perhaps its a bit of culture shock.  Perhaps its finding myself almost in the very same position I was in as a teenager new to this country as a freshman in college and realizing that I've changed.  I don't think the same way I did back then, I don't respond the same way I did back then.  My habits, disciplines are different.  I don't crave the same things that I did back then.  It's like I'm a different person.  And my time here has me learning all sorts of new and exciting things in class but realizing and learning all kinds of new things about myself.  As I process these things and experience new thoughts and feelings about people and life that I never have before or just in new ways it can be a bit overwhelming.  I often am surprised by some of the thoughts and feelings that come to mind and how deeply and passionately I feel them.  Though I am blown away at how the Father has made me less verbally and physically reactive, I can be bothered by my passionate emotional responses to the things that happen around me. 

I don't often appreciate my feelings and have no desire to have any (at least the negative ones anyway).  I found the talk helping me identify some of the things I started doing over the past few years in regards to my struggles that I should and can apply to dealing my feelings.  I need to appreciate and acknowledge the the Lord has made me a creature with feelings.  I need to remember that my feelings are caused by something and see them as a guage that let's me know something is going on in my heart that I need His Spirit and His word to help me properly process.  While my miserable feelings can reflect a sinful heart, my Father is committed to transforming my heart, but I need to be aware of and acknowledge those feelings and turn them over to Him.  I need not be ashamed of or annoyed with the feelings I have but instead, like my struggles with sin, I can be thankful for them and what the Lord intends to use them to do to make me more like Him.

Instead of suppressing my feelings I'm learning that when I hear the sirens going off I must take it not as a signal to get the volume as low as possible or unplug the speakers but as a call to examine them and guard my heart.  I must pray much (there is a connection between being aware of your feelings and ferverently giving them over to the Father without holding anything back.)  He wants me to tell Him everything and unburden and empty my soul before Him.  He knows how I feel and what I need before I ask and often times He uses my feelings to make them known to me so that I can specifically give Him my fears, anxieties, needs and desires and trust Him in His answers to my requests and help me grow in patience and trust.  My feelings reveal specific things about my heart and I can't always fully understand so I need to be asking Him to help me rightly think and feel. Ultimately, my feelings keep me aware of what my heart is inclined to.  Is it concerned with the growth of the kingdom or something that pales in comparison?  I need to pray for a heart that desires the former.  My feelings also teach me that there's still so much more that I need to learn of God.  Despite the weariness and angst feelings of turmoil can bring, there is so much joy that can be found in addressing them with a proper, intimate knowledge of my Heavenly Father.  As I seek to grow in knowing Him, He alone changes my heart and emotions.

So, no longer am I trying to forget, suppress or silence my strong and very loud feelings, I'm loving and enjoying understanding and seeing how He uses them to draw me closer to Him.  How He uses my awareness of my imperfections to point me back to the One who is perfect and is gradually transforming me to His glorious image.